wind blows deeply

Apparently I cannot do anything quite right in the eyes of a certain antagonist at work. Being more than slightly overtired after 6 days in a row at work, including a callback on Monday, I may not be reacting well. I do not want to accept mediocrity in myself - these folks deserve better from me. Yet my attempts at (a) working within the team and (b) trying to improve practice don't appear to be compatible in the present context. I'm finding it difficult to focus on the small positives when the criticism is never ending. (Yes, I once again stepped on toes and received a reprimand of sorts.) Perhaps the criticism cuts so deeply because it simply points at my fear of never being good enough.

My body is one tense ball of tenseness. I dissociate and tell myself a cry would do me good, and yet a cry would be unpredictable; who knows what would be let loose. I have become reclusive as well.
Monday and Tuesday were busy days at work. Yesterday and today were even busier. I finally got lunch and a bathroom break (both of the last 2 days) at 3pm for about 20 minutes. I stayed upto an hour after the end of my shift. And it really felt like I was getting the bare minimum completed. Orders got entered. I didn't take breaks because yesterday and today the nurses were complaining about meds not coming up soon enough. So to avoid conflict (that I knew I wouldn't handle very well), I tucked myself in front of a computer and entered orders. I flipped frantically through charts trying to find the information I needed to ensure the actual meds or doses or durations or whatever was correct.
I'm sorry. I really don't like venting about my work, especially if you don't know what I do. A previous mentor told me that even on the crappy days you should be able to find one good thing that happened and focus on that instead. So, I guess I should be telling myself that I confirmed many patient were getting the appropriate medications at the appropriate doses and intervals. I smiled at people in the hallways. Another pharmacist told me I was doing a thorough job on the units I was covering today. I discovered that there was a deal on pizza tonight so I dodn't have to cook.
I wish my friends weren't so far away. Sometimes phone calls and emails just don't cut it.

Gas prices in town have now hit 118.9 ¢/L (about $4.50/gallon). And we don't have any of that 3.5¢/L discount at the pump stuff like some places have.
Perfect timing for long-weekend travel.
See photos at CBC

Gas prices have surpassed $1/L in SK ... that's over $4/gallon. Remember back in the day when it was around 40¢/L (~$1.50/gallon)?
You can check current gas prices here

I just finished watching Jamie Oliver's 'Jamie's School Dinners' on TV. The show is essential about the poor state of school lunches in England and how kids won't eat anything other than processed foods.
So this episode, Jamie takes over one class and near the beginning gives them a vegetable identification quiz. For example, here's what the kids said when Jamie showed them a:
rhubarb = onion
leek = potato
Really - do kids not even know what an onion or potato look like these days? Has all familiarity with raw ingredients been lost in a single generation?
They even had a dietician on the episode who said at a local doctor's office they have constipation clinic for these elementary school kids and that 'some of them don't go to the loo for 6 weeks'. That is extremely scary. I realize they are mentioning the bad examples to identify a concern. But I wonder if similar things are happening in Canada? Do we have a problem dealing with children not receiving proper nutrition, especially in schools .... in schools where they meal they receive might be the only meal they get that day?
So what is it that we need to do now? What will you do?

OK, so I was all excited yesterday because my Eleanor was coming home. I got to the shop and they had some difficulty in getting her started, but they chalked it up to the battery. So they put her on the charger and we let her sit a while, then another shop guy was out and about and tried starting her and, voila, she went. The shop also called GM to ensure it wasn't the security system ... and apparently the shop was doing everything it was supposed to.
So I drove it around awhile to ensure propper charging of the battery, and stopped in a Kathy's house who was just leaving to go out for dinner. We stopped and picked up Lindsey and headed to the friendly neighbourhood restaurant.
However, after dinner, Eleanor didn't feel like starting. Not one bit. I have a feeling it truly is the antitheft system, but who really knows right? I called GM and there's nothing they can do over the phone (of course) so it looks like I have to get it taken into a GM shop for them to "diagnose" her.
I've even exhausted my internet search for ways to fix it myself (and no, I'm not going to rewire her and disable the PassLock system). The owner's manual doesn't have anything in it at all.
Trust me - you never ever want someone to try and steal your vehicle. (On a side note, don't you think that folks should say Your Vehicle, sort of like Your Magesty or Your Highness?)

It has finally happened - my Eleanor got broken into.
They tried to steal her stereo and they tried to steal her.
This means I cannot drive it. The key no longer fits in the ignition.
This means I may not be coming 'home' on Thursday.
The police have yet to call me back. Apparently they are busy tonight.
This all happened at the mall. I even parked under a light. Another lady's car was stolen from the same mall this evening. I guess they couldn't steal my car.
The mall security guy (no, not the good looking one) took pictures of my violated Eleanor. I had to leave her at the mall. Perhaps a more skilled criminal will come along and be able to take her away.
It's more frustrating than anything. A real incovenience.
At least I can walk to work like I've been doing every other day.
At least I wasn't hurt or killed.
It's only a material possession.
Oh well. We'll see what the next 5 days bring. Maybe I will come back after all.

so my computer completely crashed when i started it after work today. to the point where i had to reinstall every single program other than windows.
it seemed like it could be virus induced, but what do i know - right?
so i'm in the lengthy process of putting it all back.
i should really just get a newet computer - any ideas on 'basic' requirements?

today i slept in. that meant no shower, no breakfast. just up, dressed, grab a michelina's, a literally run out the door. thirty steps out the door and i have a huge wave of nausea pass over me - no puking, mind you - just some decent nausea with a little woosiness thrown in for good measure. this continued all the way to work.
so then, all day at work, the nausea is gone, but the woosiness persists. i'm still sort of in training, but i'm making the stupidist of mistakes - asking for clarification on things that i knew down-pat during my first week.

besides all that, the past while i've had that discontented, almost anxious, sort of feeling. melancholy is a bit too strong of a word. a general unrest, something i can't quite put a finger on and because i can't quite put a finger on it, i therefore cannot fix it either. (or tell someone else what it is so they can fix it for me.) how 'bout i blame it on the weather? ... cold, grey, rainy for days on end. that ought to do it, right?

so i went to get pizza, since the pizza place doesn't deliver and the pizza place exit is right on the same corner as a red light camera so i pulled out into my lane and i think i got dinged by the stupid red light camera despite not actually going through the intersection.

this day has really sucked. i better get to bed.

so i had a shitty day today. i had a revelation on the bus on the way home - i'd forgotten to ask myself what God was trying to show me through it all. here's what happened...

last evening i rushed from work to a MB licensing place to get my MB drivers license. did that. showed my apartment to 3 people. went to bed. a-ok so far.

this morning i dropped my car off to get safetied. took the bus to work. did work stuff. still continuing a-ok.

got a call from the shop saying that my car needed the following: Left headlight $32, Battery hold down $42, Front brake rotor $90, Outer tie rod end $164, Wheel Alignment $50, and get this ... Body repair (rust under passenger seat and spare tire comparment) $450, plus the inspection itself $45.

my car really aint worth the $1000 (what 89 topaz is?). so i got to brakes, tie rod end and wheel alignment done. i'll license it in SK for a few months and then sell it. all this means i now need to find and buy a new(er) car. or not. maybe i should be vehicle-less and do the transit thing.

if i am going to move super close to my new work location, maybe not having a car is good enough. i will get a bike.

i really felt like i needed an ativan though. nothing like a pharmacist self-medicating, right? i couldn't even make myself just sit and breathe deep breaths this afternoon.

the lady who was so sure she'd sublet my place called to say she now isn't cuz she didn't realize that pets were not allowed. so the hunt for a subleter continues.

someone here in the 'peg that i could ask for a hug would be nice. maybe a good cry and going to bed early will help. but don't worry, i'll be ok. things have always worked out before.

Actually, it's now 2:45 since I was distracted by looking up the Somogyi effect (i.e. morning rebound hyperglycemia in people with diabetes) vs Dawn phenomenon (i.e. morning hyperglycemia due to normal circadian glucose production).
I have not had sleep since Monday evening. I didn't sleep last night because I was working on (and finished) two projects: (1) the factor VIII stability project I'm always talking about; and (2) a learning needs assessment complete with surveys. Then I attended a pharmacy managers' meeting this morning as a part of my administration rotation.
Now I am procrastinating until 3:30 when I have an evaluation with my supervisor regarding the learning needs assessment.
I'm just a tad tired. I think I'm going to try to stay up until a 'regular' bedtime tonight so my sleep-wake schedule gets back to near normal. I do get tomorrow off, so sleeping in is well deserved.
Alas, it's 2:52 and I can't think of a thing more to write. Perhaps a quick nap then off to my meeting.

i caught the cold/flu. my eyes buldge and water. my nose runs so much you'd think it'd be in marathon training. my body aches. i think i have a fever, but i don't really know, cuz i don't have a thermometer. my throat is all yucky and i'd love a bowl of chicken noodle soup - but i have nothing to make it with (powder, can or real chicken) and i don't want to venture outside, but i think i just may have to. either that or a cup of tea and another nap with my hot water bottle and some acetaminophen or ibuprofen ... ah, yes - they do have drugs for this. ;)

my day rather sucked. i woke up just as i was s'posed to leave for work - so no shower. i can't any of the projects i wanted to do for my 2nd residency project. my display for my 1st project is due tomorrow. i had to bake tonight for a baby shower tomorrow. i burnt 1/2 of the macarons au chocolat. the filling wouldn't set, so i put it in the freezer to cool and it spilt all over. my pie dough was too crumbly so the cinnamon roll-ups didn't work so well. at least the cake from a box appears to have worked out. maybe i'll just end up getting danties from safeway or some such thing. now it's 9. er is on. my back/neck is very painfully tense. i have 3 knots that start spasming every so often. and my abs are quite sore from going to the gym yesterday. and i'm awfully tired.