It suddenly came to me: I often don't anticipate love (or gestures thereof). I am caught off guard. I stumble a moment or two, catch my balance and continue on. Wouldn't it be great if I lived every moment in great expectation and anticipation?
It would change how I relate to God, how I interact with a beau, how I care for my family and how I build into my friendships.

What should churches do for singles? The best thing would be to lovingly tell them the truth. The fact is, no matter how much you want to be married, that may not be God's plan for you right now. It is up to you to work hard at figuring out what He wants you to learn about yourself, or what He intends you should do with your life. It's about you and Him. Not about you and getting what you want from Him. The church should speak the truth, then provide a safe and supportive community in which to live it out.
Jan @ The View From Her

In reading the ensuing discussion (Todd @ Singles Out Loud via Jan), I was reminded of a nagging question in the back of my mind ... do we teach people how to treat us? If we establish boundaries/rules, and stick to them, will we get the commitment we so desire? Are we perceived as being of higher value/importance/worth/respect? Are we taken more seriously?

Josie: "With the wisdom of hindsight, I can see in our dating relationship that I unwittingly called Todd higher into the man I wanted him to be. I broke up with him possibly in order to get him to step up to the plate but without any definite expectation that he would. It wasn't a game, I was setting a standard. On each occasion Todd came back better than before. You get what you tolerate. (emph. mine)

Both dating and undating is tough. Generally speaking, even finding someone you may occasionally want to spend time with is tough (i.e. just a friend). I've asked this before ... where have all the people gone? My own world, albeit small, has been searched. I've searched the worlds of others (anyone got a friend of a friend?). I've searched virtual worlds (somewhat more successful but lacking in longevity thus far).
Maybe this is what the ticking is all about. Children--perhaps yes. But the ticking is beyond just that. Some sort of deep rooted desire for another to share life with. I have done and accomplished many things while on my own. Now I want have those moments with someone else. Someone to experience my stories not someone whom I will simply share my stories with.
So I tell myself, patience child, perhaps God is not done with either you or him just yet. Yet persists still the yearning.

This evening I was rewarded with an email reminder in my inbox:

It is Valentines Day in Canada on Wednesday February 14th.

I digress. Last year I posted a list of heartwarming tunes for the un-Valentine inclined. There is no need to post the list twice (unless you have some to add?).

Perhaps a repost of another thought is also needed...

I have a handful of books on my shelves dealing with relationships. Some are very cookie-cutter-ish. So predictable they leave you wondering why you bought them in the first place. (Thank goodness I didn't buy He's Just Not That Into You.) Others are more personal; telling the stories of single women. Others are more faith focused; exploring the Biblical basis for relationships, gender and marriage.
On that note, Jan has two recent posts one the topic: Pre-Marital Adultery and Sex and the Single Girl.

A few of you may have been fortunate quick enough to have caught my post from yesterday. It was a lamentful rant on a series of recent conversations with a particular individual. I was hurt and bewildered by the responses I was receiving. I took the post down, because it, like most things said in haste, shouldn't have been said at all. Or at least in this forum.
Clarity came in my church service today. The gist is that there's something to be said for praying for someone else to receive the thing that you yourself most desire.
I would really like a relationship. A certain relationship. I am frustrated by the current state of things with a certain individual.
And so, for the first year in a long time, I will make a new year's resolution (to keep at least for the first week). I will pray for my married friends, my dating friends and my single friends. Pray for their relationships ... with each other, with their families/loved ones, with their friends and with God.
God has given me the gift to serve, to wait on others. If I pray for your needs, God will give me patience in my desires. If I pray for your needs, as selfish as it sounds, it will likely bring me closer to my God. And closer to my God means closer to His plans. And that can never be a bad place to be.

So this thought conglomeration has been a long time in the coming; nearly a year and a half since I promised further comment on the topic on another's blog. At the time, I'd recently finished listening to a commentary on Pope JP II's Theology of the Body (Christopher West). It was then that I began to understand much of the Catholic point-of-view. A few months ago, in Ottawa, I met Nat who was emptying her bookshelves in anticipation of returning home to Australia. One of my finds was Sex and the Supremacy of Christ (ed, John Piper). At last I had found somewhat of a counterpoint in Protestant writing. Along the way, I was also given an article, Theological foundations for male-female relationships (Stanley Grenz), to further diversify my readings. Most recently, I came across Joe Carter's article, Redeeming Eros: A Christian View of Sex and the Imagination (thanks to TVFH).

While my thoughts on singleness arise from many sources, one of them is SATC. I've only enjoyed it since reruns began, never really having had watched while it was on the first time around. Actually, I think what really and truly hooked me was this paper by Sally's friend Tonya. (For her PhD, she is studying those larger than life sculptures you catch a glimpse of while driving across Canada.)

Enough of the introduction. In SATC episode 19, "The Chicken Dance", Miranda comments "Everyone says that as soon as you get a place of your own, someone will propose, I thought it would be to me." A number of aunts, likely well intentioned, informed me at the last family Christmas gathering: Oh, so you own your own place now. You know, owning your own place is a sure way to find yourself a man. Normally, you could be engaged within the year.

It's nearing a year and one month. So much for that urban myth.

Which got me thinking; is it even an urban myth? Normally, my internet sleuthing skills are much more fruitful. What did I find? Well this at boundless, this at the NY Times, this self-applied experience thanks to a self-help book, this bizarre entry at Wikipedia ... and no mention by Jan of the prerequisite home but she did offer this.

So I guess that's about it. Owning real estate does not give way to real diamonds in a mere twelve months after all. The urban myth of SATC and frustratingly intrusive aunts is just that: a myth.

Still, seeing as I never really did have a house warming, you realize you're going to have to all come over now --- right?

Two phone conversations over the past couple of weeks have gotten me thinking; perhaps settling for a boyfriend/mate/husband/significant-other is not the evil I once made it out to be.

I'm sure you recall those many conversations with close friends about how one should never ever settle when it comes to a potential partner. You have your list of ideals and don't you ever stray from it. And certainly don't give in when there appear to be no other options circling your boat, itching for that line to be cast into the water.

I know I'm treading on dangerous ground here and I can imagine that many of you are already up in arms wanting to chop my fingers off so I'll quit typing; but what if we aren't supposed to have the knight in shining armor? Is slightly tarnished still ok? After all, while we may be looking for the decendant of a Greek god, he is not going to be god and thus will not be perfect. He (or she, if you're wanting to flip the tables) will have flaws.

For example, maybe a "must have" is Christian faith. As you get to know the fellow of interest (he of course has the afore mentioned must have), you begin to wonder if his faith is as central to his being as you would like or if he has the potential to be the Godly husband your heart longs for. So maybe this guy meets all the points on that "must have" list you've been revising since you discovered boys don't have cooties, but maybe the string of adjectives before each requirement isn't lining up. (He's not as _____ as you would like.)

Maybe a knight is still a knight despite the appearance of his armor. I'm beginning to think that settling just might be ok after all.

Song of the day: I am aglow - Sarah Harmer (listen)

It was about two weeks ago that we had our first encounter. My first impression was that he was rather shy, but soon he burst out of his shell abounding with energy. I now know that I captured his heart immediately -- love at first sight! Tonight was meeting number two. I was told later that he had been quite excited about my forthcoming visit; frequently checking to see if I had yet arrived. Once there, he showed me all of his treasures, a few tumbling tricks and gazed adoringly from across the room. He was nearly moved to tears when I had to leave.
Although it would be fine for him to continue in his awestruck wonder, I'm a bit hesitant about pursuing things further. You see, although he is potty trained, Wiley is only 3. (His mother did mention that I should get married and have a daughter so the two of them could hook up. I'll see what I can do about getting on that. ;)

Today's sermon was on 1 Timothy 5:1-16 ... a passage that discusses relationships within the family unit and the church family, most notably about widows.

The point was made that marriage is the default state, as opposed to singleness or, in the above setting, widowhood. I take exception to that statement when taken at face value. Simply put, singleness is one's permanent vocation, and marriage is transitory. The church is the bride of Christ; the Christian is, first and foremost, married to Christ. This will always be the default state. Singleness, when considered in the vernacular, is the solitary person. Solitude in Christ never negates the presence of God but enhances it. Marriage, in the vernacular, is the covanent binding of two individuals. If you never comprehend your solitude (your marriage to Christ), you will never fully comprehend human marriage.

Since our human existence is fleeting, should we not seek to first understand our role as the bride of Christ before desiring a spouse?

Then back to Timothy; think of many of the older widows in the church. Stereotypically, they often pour themselves into the church. They pray unceasingly. They mentor the youth. They support the church family. They model marriage to Christ. Will the widows of tomorrow share their values? Will they have the same foundation? How are we preparing ourselves now?

With all the recent talk around here about singleness, I thought it best to repost an entry.

Another "when I was in Winnipeg" story. It all began when Kathy and I decided to go shopping.

Low and behold, St. Vital was also holding the annual used book sale. Encouraged, perhaps, by my amazing find in the science section, I engaged in a thorough hunt through the Christian section.

(My science find was "The Copernican Revolution: Planetary Astronomy in the Development of Western Thought" TS Kuhn ... I love books that incorporate science and history. My current read is "Deep Simplicity: Bringing order to chaos and complexity" J Gribbin...it's more about bringing history to math than the math to history--although all truly is connected. Next on my wishlist is "Weather Factor: How nature has changed history" E Durschmied. OK, I admit it ... I'm a geek.)

Sorry for the ramble. So I continued my tireless search through the Christian section. Picked up some Merton, a Protestant vs. Catholic relic from the 70's, and the book in question which I purchased for the incredible bargain of 50¢--I kid you not. Kathy did laugh at first, was later incredulous that I was actually spending money on it later, and was more than eager to share my find with the girls that evening.

This book was written by Margaret Clarkson, whom, I have just discovered thanks to google, was born in Melville SK. Now I feel slightly bad for the mocking which will be shortly incurred. The girls feel that the cover art was designed first, and the book written based on the cover. The cover is a glorious 70's-esque female in flowing peasant dress, surrounded by a meadow, gazed skyward, and gently holding her acoustic guitar. Can't you just see it?

Anyways, the girls (i.e. the small group girls from the 'Peg) and I are treating it as the inspiration for the "Summer of the traveling book". Each of us, armed with our own pen colour, will read and comment upon the book content (complete with plenty of "WTF?!?!"s) before forwarding it to the next member. The final destination will be our surrogate mother/small group leader, now in Edmonton. We hope our insight will encourage her in the book she is writing.

Read on for cover art and table of contents.

At last, the snow is melting and birds are chirping and I'm running low on washer fluid. Not to mention, I've pulled out a few cute skirts for the changing of the season. I wore one to church on Sunday ... aka a day for a cute skirt and frozen legs. At least I didn't add flip-flops to the mix.
I picked up a new book after lunch on Sunday. It was in the bargain section but it looks awful interesting. I promise to write more about it once I get through it all. So far it's a nice feeling book. A good size, nicely textured pages, good font size etc. The writing style is a cross between textbook organisation and fluid prose. The content of which is, of course, acutely applicable.
But then again, I've recently described myself as "thoroughly enjoying being single". Do I honestly believe this? While, yes, at some point in my life I would love to meet and marry my God-prepared husband -- what about right now...am I content?
I think it all goes back to the article Mark commented about a while back ... society, church included, still makes marriage the norm and singleness the freakshow. And somehow, every so often, the single folks wonder if that label called 'single person' implies a deeper defect. We tout words like 'spinster' in jest--all the while wondering if that is the next title that will eventually stick itself to us.
I suppose all this simply means is that I really don't know who I am just yet. If I knew who I were, these potential labels and their consequences would not weigh so heavily.
Good enough then. Time to curl up with a cup of tea, a plump cat or two and a rather large pile of crocheting for the evening. ;)

Mark posted about an article (O Brothers, Where Art Thou?) he recently came across.
Apparently, my search for a single Christian man is actually an international issue. Not that this knowledge helps my search any, but at least I'm not alone.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained?

So, after not hearing from the "internet boy" for several days, I broke down and sent a nice email querying future coffee meetings. After slightly more than 24 hours, I receive an interesting response. Concise, to the point, even blunt perhaps. Alas, he feels things are not meant to be in a relationship sort of way and left no mention of "just friends". (Which, after all, is rather nice not to hear, but still...)

That's it. Hopefully there are more single, professional, 25-35 ish guys in town.

Why am I so darn desperate lately? Kathy suggests (as I am writing this and talking with on her on the phone) that when most aspects of one's life are fulfilled or going well, you look to the ones that aren't. But then I said, do I really need a man to complete me? The giant, eternal question of single women anywhere. Need, probably not. Want, definitely.

What's a girl to do? All I can say, is that after watching bits of Bridget Jones' and a glass or two of wine and the relative closeness of a certain greeting-card holiday ... there are no good solutions, except for, perhaps chocolate.

Not that I've actually seen Must Love Dogs, but the premise of the movie is meeting someone on the internet for purposes of friendship/dating. While dog-lover wasn't on my list, God-lover certainly was. I briefly described my match earlier, and after a week of getting to know one another in text, we actually met for coffee this afternoon. A very nice guy with whom I share many similarities. Not having an activity, like bowling or mini-golf, our conversation occassionally came to a pause but was able to resume without too much difficulty. Future meetings were not arranged, but the possibility thereof was left open.
So there you have it. This girl has gone on her very first date in her entire life (and a quasi-blind first date at that). All in all things went smoothly, the coffee and conversation were enjoyable, and this whole first-date thing isn't so hard after all. Not a bad way to start off the week.

"Where have you gone?" cries the consciousness of the single female.

Speaking with a friend this evening, we came to the hypothesis that all late-20-something straight, single men have left the province. Perhaps they are in AB, BC or ON? Is so, should I come find you and relocate my life as I know it?
No longer do we see our male peers in church or in small groups or at grocery stores. Perhaps they have been kidnapped and are being held hostage? If so, please let me know what the ransom is.
Does anyone know where they have gone?

With Queen's "Somebody to love" playing in the background, I figured, what the heck, let's try this eHarmony thing. After all, I've seen the constant commericals and they have a free personality profile offer.
After answering a million questions about myself, I received response below. I guess I'm just that special. ;)

Our matching system was not able to find any new matches for you right now.

However, we are always automatically searching for new matches for you. Several thousand people join eHarmony each day and our matching system evaluates each one of them within 24 hours to see if they are a great match for you.

We will notify you via email when matches are found or you can check your My Matches page at eHarmony whenever you like.

Our matching criteria, based on the 29 dimensions of compatibility, is extremely strict, and is what makes eHarmony a unique and powerful tool in finding your soul mate. We will keep searching and hope to find some wonderful matches for you soon.

That's the title of the book being promoted on Oprah this past Wednesday. It rather struck home ... with that recent post 'I want you to want me'.
The premise of the book is that females make all sorts of excuses for guys, and that we settle all the time. So, if he doesn't call or reply to all your emails - he's just not that into you. Nope, he's not really busy at work, he's not necessarily out of town, an old friend didn't just pop by. Apparently males like to let us down 'easily' and like to avoid confrontation.
Apparently, they also tend to let us know just when it is that they are into us. Apparently they pursue us. Who knew?
So that's it. It's a lesson I needed to be reminded of. And, in all honesty, it's not that big of a deal. He's just not that into me. So, ok, I'll move on.

Thanks to the fact that I decided to unplug my TV last night, I had to entertain myself somehow today. And what a better way than to find quizzes on the internet! So, naturally, I headed off to the haven of girlie quizes - Chatelaine. I took two quizzes -- Flirting Style and The Perfect Mate.

So I realize you are all dying to know, so I won't leave you in any further suspense.

Regarding flirting style, my "score indicates [I am] a reserved flirt" ...
Being subtle and demure has always been your chosen method of seduction. You prefer to let a guy know you're interested with a soft smile, light touch or meaningful glance and then leave it up to him to take it to the next level.
While some men see your quiet charm as sexily sophisticated, others might back off because they don't think you're interested.

Regarding my mate, it would appear that my best bet is rocket scientist ...
You prefer someone who will never stop challenging your intellect. He's smart and independent and is on a constant search for knowledge. His tastes are eclectic󦲯m Sci-fi to fine art, you never know what he's going to get into. Discovering things together is stimulating and quenches your thirst for self-discovery.

Ok, ok --- so it's not all that revealing. Actually, I sound very much like my perfect mate - perhaps the eclectic attract?!? Ah well, have a good afternoon.

PS - I (finally) start my new job tomorrow. I write all about it in the next post.

Believe and Be Satisfied

Everyone longs to give themself completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another - to be loved thouroughly and exclusively. But God, to a Christian says:

'No, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled, content with being loved by me alone, with giving yourself totally, and unreservedly to me, discovering that only in me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you.

'You will never be united with another until you are united with me - exclusive of anyone else, exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing and allow me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to bring it to you.

'Just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things: keep experiencing the satisfaction that I AM. Keep listening to me and learning the things I tell you. You must wait. Don't be anxious, don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have gotten or I have given to them. You just keep looking off and away up to me or you will miss what I want to show you.

'And then, when you are ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any of you could ever dream of. You see, until you are ready and the one I have for you is ready - I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time - until you are both satisfied exclusively with me and the life I have for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me - perfect love.

"And dear one, I want you to have this love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with me and enjoy concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love. Know that I love you utterly. I am God Almighty, believe and be satisfied."