Amour for armor: Is settling ok?

Filed in of my soul, single

Two phone conversations over the past couple of weeks have gotten me thinking; perhaps settling for a boyfriend/mate/husband/significant-other is not the evil I once made it out to be.

I'm sure you recall those many conversations with close friends about how one should never ever settle when it comes to a potential partner. You have your list of ideals and don't you ever stray from it. And certainly don't give in when there appear to be no other options circling your boat, itching for that line to be cast into the water.

I know I'm treading on dangerous ground here and I can imagine that many of you are already up in arms wanting to chop my fingers off so I'll quit typing; but what if we aren't supposed to have the knight in shining armor? Is slightly tarnished still ok? After all, while we may be looking for the decendant of a Greek god, he is not going to be god and thus will not be perfect. He (or she, if you're wanting to flip the tables) will have flaws.

For example, maybe a "must have" is Christian faith. As you get to know the fellow of interest (he of course has the afore mentioned must have), you begin to wonder if his faith is as central to his being as you would like or if he has the potential to be the Godly husband your heart longs for. So maybe this guy meets all the points on that "must have" list you've been revising since you discovered boys don't have cooties, but maybe the string of adjectives before each requirement isn't lining up. (He's not as _____ as you would like.)

Maybe a knight is still a knight despite the appearance of his armor. I'm beginning to think that settling just might be ok after all.

Song of the day: I am aglow - Sarah Harmer (listen)

Comments

okay . . . I distinctly remember YOU persuading me that settling was NEVER okay and that I shouldn't even begin down that road when I got to that stage with a certain someone! Not sure how I should react to this post so I'm gonna think about it and hopefully at some point in the nearer than later future respond in person!

:: Posted by caro (August 6, 2006 11:28 PM)

I look forward to the discussion. Others have also provided comments outside this blog with your exact sentiment.
I probably wasn't explaining myself terribly well in the above text. I think that as time progresses one's "list" changes--maybe that's what I'm working through. My list at 20 is certainly not the exact list I have now. Nonetheless, eagerly awaiting futher thoughts.

PS - you also made comment #300 ... congrats!

:: Posted by Jenn (August 6, 2006 11:35 PM)

Now, let me choose my words carefully, this being someone who's had a 'list' before and is now married.

Throw out your 'list' if any of the qualities you've marked down have anything to do with physical characteristics, or personal ability. (ie. musical talent or dark hair.) This will only throw you WAY off the track you're meant to be on. If the qualities have something to do with integrity or faith, however, that's a little more important. :)

Remember: it's ok to date and not get married. Just because you went to a movie with someone does not mean you must commit your entire life to that person. Christians typically have this part kind of skewed... The whole point of dating is to find out what kind of person suits you. I had to learn that the hard way. :) Just have fun!

:: Posted by crys (August 7, 2006 11:33 AM)

My list has never had physical characteristics on it. I'd be cautious about tossing out personal ability; one of the items on my list is intellectual/able to think deep thoughts/toss around ideas. I'm not ready to give that one up just yet because they are things integral to who I am as well. And, absolutely, integrity and faith are matters on which I wouldn't settle.

On dating: I'm more ok with 'date and not get married' than I ever have been. Yet I still have a little voice of a dream in the back of my head that says the first guy I date might end up being the one I also marry. Perhaps a little fairytale-esque, but wouldn't that just be amazing!? Friendships are extremely important, but I still want dating to be a step in the is-he-marriable? process.

:: Posted by Jenn (August 7, 2006 12:57 PM)

ok, i am an old married lady (25 yrs this year!) (happily) and i just heard this thing on the christian radio station about marriage and relationships and the word from these "experts", sorry, don't have the name--some couple therapists, with annoying voices--is that the thing that most couples got tripped up on later in their marriage was not on any of their "lists" when picking mates but universal, simple things like, "he never listens to me",,,i don't know where this is going..but i think it means everyone's list is different, and it may be kind of like Moses being told by God,,,you'll know when you get there---40 friggin' years later!!---so, it IS the journey that counts..and how you handle the doubts and misfits and compromises that are in store for you when you share your life with another...who turns out to be different later on and not as good a match maybe or whatever...but joy of joys trying to fit it all together in our imperfect world with our more imperfect selves..and our always perfect children to reflect our mates in our eyes...well,,,it's all good....i am mostly learning to see my mate thru God's eyes now,,,seeing what it is i am missing with my misshapen eyes...have fun pickin'
atticus/patti

:: Posted by atticus (August 7, 2006 3:04 PM)

I think that most lists that I've heard (and had) are off target for what is truly important in finding a mate.

My mom's best advice is always to pay attention to how that person acts and reacts during an argument, it will tell you a lot about them and about what you can expect in a long term relationship with them.

:: Posted by Jared Cramer (August 7, 2006 3:27 PM)

Patti: Thanks for you thoughts; here and at your own blog. I think that concept of perspective is really quite important ... to see as God sees. I'm looking forward to the journey.

Jared: A mother's wise counsel! And yes, those lists are tricky creatures. Perhaps like Atticus alluded to, the list should be God's list; determined by much prayer and discernment.

:: Posted by Jenn (August 7, 2006 6:22 PM)

Hey Jenn. Mel from Saskatoon here. I don't think I've commented yet on your page, and I know this is an old post, so maybe you won't get to read this if you don't get new comments emailed to you. But I just had to throw my 2 cents in with some of the things you said. I had a list too. Actually, my best friend and I had a few lists. And yes, they did change with time because we grew up, and our interests changed, etc. I have to admit they were also skewed a bit by the people we liked at the time. I don't think it's bad to have a list, and surprisingly there were a lot of things on Sarah's and my lists that came true, even weird off-beat ones like works with wood, or owns a truck. Ha. But the one thing I would differ with is the word "settle". There are things I thought I needed to have, the non-negotiables. And like you, I valued intellectual discourse and the arts, and thought I needed to have someone with similar interests to have a harmonious and fulfilling married life. I was wrong. Although Kev and I do have shared interests, they don't happen to be intellectual discourse or the arts. Other than movies. I have found that I already have friends and people in my life I can share that with, and it doesn't take away from our marriage - because you see, I think you'd get sick of living with a carbon copy of yourself, and it doesn't challenge you to grow at all. Kevin brought other gifts and amazing contributions to our partnership that I didn't ask for, and some of which I have already discovered are a good fit for me. You really learn that it's not all about you in a marriage, not that you lose yourself but that there are things outside yourself that are just as fulfilling. When we met there was just something there that attracted me, and I went from there. Some of the non-negotiables I found were now not so important. Others stayed important, and they were there. Pretty much the only good advice (other than the biblical admonition to marry a believer, the whole yolk and being a difficult road thing) is to not have a pattern, a contract, a formula. Because God is always way more creative than we are.

:: Posted by mel (August 11, 2006 1:21 PM)

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