wind blows deeply

I'm sorry. I was in a p*ssy mood this evening ... actually, I chose my mood to become p*ssy. At Bible study no less. (But then again, perhaps my mood should be better amongst those to whom I may be the only Christian they ever see than among fellow believers.)
Why did I become bitter to the world? I was on call tonight. And, although my mission statement includes phrases such as "imitate Christ" and "love and serve beyond the call of duty", I really can't say I acted that way. I was asked to supply a certain medication for a patient that wasn't in the overnight supply cupboard (i.e. I would have to come in to provide it). Ten minutes later, having now arrived at the hospital, the nurse pages me again to say that she has now "found" additional orders for similar medications (and perhaps better options as well). Yet, my tone of voice, body language, overall demeanor, and more importantly, the thoughts in my head, were not justified or appropriate.
And driving home in the dark night, raindrops on my windshield, I felt the urge to continue driving for hours. A catharsis of sorts. Instead, my pennance is now much more public. You see, Bible study was about church (or even big-C Church) membership. I don't think we get membership. In the era of grocery store discount cards, roadside assistance clubs, and professional associations, the term membership has lost meaning. Maybe if we called it a church covanent, people might get it. Maybe if we actually discussed it, people might get it.
A part of this covanent/membership is the concept of accountability--hence, this public pennance. In addition to my poor choice of attitude described above, sometimes there are other things I should be telling you. Then again, these often feel like very private things and blogs are very public things.