I have been agonizing over a future career decision for a few days now. Last night, in a discussion with a few friends and acquaintances, the topic came up and one person comments on my apparent lack of enthusiasm for my self-declared top option. It's true, I am being very hesistant about this decision.
I spoke with another good friend this evening who told me that I had already made up my mind. That is also true.
After that conversation, and in the moments that have since passed, I think I can boil up my hesitation into the concept that I am now facing an inevitable deep sense of loss.
Decision A moves me to a new city with much improved job satisfaction but away from newly formed friendships. Decision B keeps me in an ever increasingly familiar city with relatively new friends but in a position of likely less job satisfaction. That is what it comes down to; loss of friendships and familiarity or loss of career fulfillment.
That statement isn't really fair. Decision A moves me to a city in which an old friend now lives, and to a city conveniently placed midway between current city and city of family and old friends. Therefore, friendships aren't really lost. Familiarity might be lost, but is also quite easily regained.
That leaves career fulfillment. I am not anticipating finding that in my current location, despite potential options. Perhaps I am not open to seeing any positive potential options.
Enough. My body is tired. It aches. It long for some unnamed, maybe untangible, thing. I want to be resigned. Yet something within causes me to press on, plod on. Persevere. Despite exhaustion. Weariness. Wit's end. Despite desperately not wanting to deal with, I have a desperate desire, a longing, to deal with "it".
I miss the days when this quiet desperation was unbridled optimism.
any updates??