spurred by confessions

Filed in of my soul

Caro posted her confessions of growing up. My comment was more of a personal confesison, than I comment, but I left it there none the less. Then I figured I leave some of it here.

... Generally life is, well, it's life.
Maybe I don't like my job like I hoped I would because I miss school more than I thought I would. I miss the rhythm of the educational setting.
Maybe I miss home. Despite the arguements I put up about everything being so different than when I left, perhaps it is more similar than I acknowledge. I felt more content last week than I have for a while now.
But this is now. And tomorrow is anther day at work.

A tad ambiguous, I know. But I really do not like where I am at the moment. The people are fantastic, and I couldn't ask for better friends. but there is a restlessness in my soul. Something aching for more than sleep-work-eat-play-and repeat.

I find myself falling into the 'maybe a boyfriend/husband will make me happy/content' mindset. To take on his life. To pour my love and energy into his goals and dreams. To sacrifice for another human being.

Although I haven't yet said it, God is in there. Somewhere. I think. But it's so darn easy to make it more about me than it is about Him. Soem folks talk about God as their best friend or as Abba-daddy. But neither of those describe the God I know. Not to say that He's vindictive or oppressive. He's been awe-inspiring, my Comforter, the Creator. But he's never really been my 'buddy-ol'-pal'. Have I missed out on something?

Comments

yup I fall into that same rut now and again (the, "maybe if the guy piece of my life were settled . . .") but I always know even at the point when I think it that it isn't true.

I miss C&C too. I don't think I ever realized how big a part of my life that was. I miss having the group of people around you to worship with or talk with . . .

As for God . . . lately I've noticed that things have become different between me and Him. He's there and I know He is but I'm not quite so close to Him anymore. I've never really been able to describe Him as a friend or a father exactly because He's always been such a huge mix of every type of peron I need around me. I think I'm just getting too busy trying to solve this adult-dilemma by myself and not going to Him enough about it. Or maybe I'm just PMSing right now and that's why I feel like this. Who knows.

I need a change though . . . what exactly I'm not entirely sure (moving out of this house is definitely at the top of my list though!) Law school is definitely better than the life I led last year though so at least there's that.

Sorry, my comment turned into a post about myself too!

Well Jenn, whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger (and by kill I am including your spirit - don't let that ever die!)

What say we make a deal? If you promise to pray for me for the next little while (say until the 23rd for now?) I'll promise to pray for you. How does that sound?

:: Posted by caro (October 5, 2004 12:05 AM)

this is interesting and a bit inspiring for me to read today. :) it actually makes me feel not alone in my struggle to figure "life" out. Somedays it feels so big and looming and I just feel like hiding away from it. Then there's the thought of "if only..." and I'm reminded of some cheezy-chick flick where the guy and girl magically end up together years after the fact. I guess, the thing is, as we get older the "old" part can grieve us for the fact that our "youth" is passing by. At camp this summer, my buddy James gave me a reality check by saying "Coral, you're just not at that place anymore." when I was talking about how I would still like to go do a YWAM or Capernwray overseas somewhere--someone else had mentioned it in our group talk... And it was good that James said that to me. It woke me up to the reality that life means making some decisions in following God's lead and listening to His voice, and just going with God, and not trying to "take control" of my life but letting God be in control and guiding me. It actually got through to me even clearer that "waiting on the Lord" is one of the greatest acts of obedience. That one is hard for me. And I was talking to many young women last night at C&C, it seems that many of them feel like they aren't where they should be either. It's hard to hear that, but I was able to encourage them with Scripture. And, what I guess I would offer you is the encouragment to keep pursuing God in what He has given you until the door closes or you know it's time to change and leave that part of your life behind. Also, the fact that God is Creator and we don't live for ourselves but for Him and in Him, is encouragement always and always past the discouragement! :) Focus is a big thing. I'm kind of more discouraged when people say "balance" cuz we live in an imbalanced world--to find balance is usually only temporal. So, I say "focus" is what needs to change and taking the time for meaningful relationship with Christ is huge.

These are thoughts of my own life and maybe they help you or maybe they don't at all. But, I felt like sharing a bit. Also, I miss you Jenn so much these days. When I saw you at the wedding, I was like, I really miss listening to her and hanging out. So, maybe I should come visit you in Winnipeg sometime? Please never hesitate to write, call or come visit. I'm not going to S.Africa, although I was in the top 3 of getting the position. So, at the moment, I'm kinda wanting to go overseas either on missions or TESL--and if I could do both, that would be awesome! :)So, that's a bit of an update on my life too.

love you always and always, my sister. I'll be praying for you in the things you share. :) c'ya...

:: Posted by Coral (October 5, 2004 2:03 PM)

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