So this is what God has revealed to me regarding my circumstances as of late.
He has taken bits of my life away from me on purpose. My family. My friends. My church. Last weekend he shook my security and wellbeing when my car hit the ditch. And this weekend He shook my identity and financial security - I lost my wallet. These things are keeping me from God, and He has been removing them to show me how little I trust Him. My faith is so shallow. It's like Jesus' stories of the cost of following Him - to leave family, to give up wealth, to leave earthly things behind - these are the things which I hold onto so tightly, and yet must learn to truly let go of.
I still do not trust completely. I am anxious. I stress about not having access to money for the next 7-10 days. I wonder if I am making the right decision about staying in Winnipeg. I question my ability to make it through the next 4.75 months of residency, while still maintaining sanity. I hope that at some point I will finally be able to let God be God and hand over the reigns. I long for some close friendships in close proximity. And hey, why not throw in prince charming as well? ;)
This is where I am at. If you could see me - I am falling apart. I cry myself to sleep - actually I just cry and then wonder if I'll ever fall asleep. I cry when I'm driving (which is not so good, cuz it just snowed some more and the roads are a bit icy). I can't seem to organize my day at work, or accomplish much of anything. Yes, I am a mess. I should have bought stocks in Kleenex.
And this might sound surprising to some of you, but I glad that I am where I am. It's one of the hardest places of my life (so far), and I can't see or even comprehend the end of the tunnel, but God is here. He has always been here. He will always continue to be here. He has kept me safe, given me warm place to live, provided food, a job and a church. He continues to sustain me. His love is incomprehensible. I am a found sheep.